3/31/13 10:04 pm - Epiphany redux
It’s a funny little moment that I just had, and I wanted to post about it somewhere. I have my window open partway because it’s been a nice, warm day, and I just started listening to “Clocks” by Coldplay. When I originally got the song, almost ten years ago (!) it was autumn and my then-SO was going out of town on a business trip for more than a week. Usually, for reasons that largely had to do with his being accustomed to central air conditioning, the house windows were never opened, but that week I kept them open the whole time. Until I’d moved to Kentucky, I’d always lived with open windows and fans, so being able to do that was a bit of a “homecoming” for me, and started to help me put into perspective just how far out of my element I was down there… and how unhappy I was. For that week, for the first time in years, I was in charge of my life, and I discovered just how much I liked it.
The result is that the combination of the song, and the feel of cool, fresh air bring back very vividly the moment when I realized just how much better I liked myself as a person when he wasn’t around. It would take almost another two years before I managed to cut the cord and leave, but the mixture of wistfulness, hopefulness, and “I want to be this person all the time” still comes back to me at moments like these. The plus to that: I do like the person I’ve become, and I’m becoming someone I like more and more as time goes on.
So in moments like these, there’s a new feeling as well, because I’m no longer just wistfully reaching out toward the person I wish I could be; I’m becoming her. And I'm definitely in the right place, now, for that to happen.
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